The Fruit Of The Sea: A Scene

The Fruit Of The Sea

by

Len Shneyder

Characters

Masha - Mother

Vitalik - Father

Garick – Son

(Setting: a family dinning room

with a table filled with eastern European delicacies. There are five place settings around the table. A large ceramic bowl with a metal lid sits in the center of the table waiting to be opened. It’s the night of Yom Kippur and the family has just returned from the temple.)

MASHA

Where are they? They were right behind us.

VITALIK

You could tell at that speed?

MASHA

What speed?! They were right there.

VITALIK

And then you were gone.

MASHA

Listen you want to make dinner?

VITALIK

No, but next time lets not tempt fate.

MASHA

Fate? What fate? Dinner is dinner! Oh where are they?

VITALIK

(pushing the air back with his hands)

Sha! sha! sha!

MASHA

Just save it today.

VITALIK

(sighs heavily)

Nu Shto?

(picks up a pickle)

MASHA

(smacks VITALIK’S hand)

Get out of here! You’ll eat everything before they arrive!

GARIK

(Enters the dinning from the left as

VITALIK exists in a huff from the right.)

Is there anything to eat?

MASHA

(Hands GARIK a pickle)

Here you go son. We’ll eat as soon as they get here. Hand me the phone, I’ll try calling them.

GARIK

He never answers his phone when he’s driving. What’s in the pot?

MASHA

Don’t open it. I don’t want it to go cold.

GARIK

Then what is it?

MASHA

It’s a surprise, don’t worry, you’ll like. What did you think of the service?

GARIK

I remembered why I stopped going to these things.

MASHA

What things?

GARICK

Synagogues.

MASHA

Nu! Come on, it was nice.

GARIK

Nice isn’t the point. I can think for myself.

MASHA

The Rabi wasn’t telling you what to think.

GARIK

Then what would you call it?

MASHA

I call it nice.

GARIK

That’s what he said we should be to each other.

MASHA

So see, that’s what we we’ll do, be nice to each other.

GARIK

Right, nice! So very nice not being there.

MASHA

Do you remember when you were a child and went to school there? We’d just arrived from Tashkent.

GARIK

Right, I remember, do you remember they kicked me out shortly after I started going there?

MASHA

You kicked yourself out.

GARIK

No I didn’t.

MASHA

(Anxiously looks at the clock)

Nu Gde ohni? Where are they?

GARIK

I told them that I didn’t believe in God.

MASHA

(Shocked and dismayed)

What!?

GARIK

Nothing. I’m going to go smoke.

MASHA

(Indignant)

You’re smoking!? Today? You’re smoking.

(GARIK exits left as VITALIK enters

right)

VITALIK

I’m starving what’s in the fridge?

MASHA

Shto?! You don’t see the table?

VITALIK

(Opens the fridge and begins looking)

I see the table.

MASHA

Then why are you in the fridge?!

VITALIK

It doesn’t bite.

MASHA

(She begins by stammering but quickly her temper flares and the tempo of her speech picks up as she begins to assume a self-righteous tone and posture.)

I spend all day cooking and you can’t wait five minutes for Volodya and Yula to arrive so we can sit down and eat like a family?! On Yom Kippur, you need something else to ask God’s forgiveness for?!

VITALIK

First of all they’re not my family. Second of all, I’m sure that Jews wandering around the desert would eat anything that crossed their path if they were stuck there for forty years, on any day they found it! So like a jew in the desert, I’m going to eat, besides, the sun’s set already. And maybe, just maybe, today I can forgive God for blessing me with you!

(VITALIK shoves a piece of salami in his mouth, pauses by the table, snatches a pickle and walks off stage to the right as GARIK enters from the left.)

GARIK

You know what I did in Hebrew school?

MASHA

What did you say?

GARIK

Do you know what I did in Hebrew school?

MASHA

Nu gde ohni?! No, what did you do?

GARIK

I played dreidel and talked to the black janitor.

MASHA

Now why did you bother him? Are you crazy?

GARIK

He was the only one that didn’t tell me what to do.

MASHA

And what does that prove?

GARIK

Nothing, just thought you’d like to know what I did.

MASHA

And this is why you were kicked out?!

GARIK

We already covered that.

(GARIK exits to the left as VITALIK enters from the right. He’s scratching his stomach and smacking his lips. He stops in front of the table and surveys it as if he’s planning another attack. MASHA stares at him and is about to begin screaming when he moves past the table and heads to cabinet behind and pulls out a shot glass. With shot glass in hand he moves to the fridge and opens the freezer and pulls out a bottle of vodka and begins to pour himself a shot.)

VITALIK

Nu, what’re you looking at? Za tebya! To you.

MASHA

To me? You can’t wait to drink?

VITALIK

I’m drinking to next year.

MASHA

Today isn’t Purim! Am I wearing a costume?

VITALIK

No but here’s to you not needing one next year.

(VITALIK snickers to himself while MASHA is beside herself with frustration. She raises her left arm and points to the door out of the kitchen.)

MASHA

Eyde otzudiva!!! VOHN!!!!!

(VITALIK still snickering exits to the right as GARICK enters from the left. GARICK spots the bottle of vodka sitting on the counter and heads toward the cabinet to get a shot glass. MASHA at this point looks as if she’s either going to kill someone or burst into tears; quite possibly both.)

GARICK

Do you want one?

MASHA

Shto? What? Do I want what?!

GARICK

Fifty grams?

MASHA

Is there no one in this house that can wait?

GARICK

Wait for what, the messiah?

(GARICK amused with himself raises his glass toward MASHA and knocks it back, half smiling and content with his impish comments.)

MASHA

(Very near tears)

Ne kruti mne mozgi!

GARIK

Koneshno.

(MASHA turns her back and begins walking out as GARIK moves toward the table. He picks up another pickle, bites into it and looks at the metal lid on the large ceramic bowl. He realizes that there’s a very strong smell of garlic and butter emanating from the bowl. He decides to lift the lid.)

What the fuck?!

MASHA

(Spins around with the wrath of Jehova in her eyes.)

Sha! What?! What now? Bite your tongue in my kitchen!

(GARIK begins to laugh uncontrollably and eventually doubles over as MASHA watches him fall to the ground. She gasps and covers her mouth. From the other room there is a stirring as if someone is rapidly approaching.)

GARIK

And you call yourself a good Jew?

MASHA

(Confused)

Control yourself, what’s a matter, why are you laughing?

GARICK

Really, you’re a great Jew! “A”-number-one JEW!

MASHA

Have you lost your mind?

GARICK

My mind? No, but I think you’ve lost your religion, and your mind along with it it! Who cares why I was kicked out of Hebrew school, if there was a heaven you certainly pissed off the land lord today! Today, of all days!!! Oh this one is grand, really, bravo, you did it, you did it in your kitchen! So very nice!

MASHA

What are you talking about? You don’t like Shrimp Scampi?!

GARIK

Oh I love shrimp alright, and I do love the scampi as much as the next goy, but on Yom Kippur?! That’s like serving Bruschetta with a side of French toast on Passover. Or having a nice side of veal on lent. I’ve a great idea, let’s find a mosque and sit in there chanting the Shama, that’ll make just about as much sense as this potyou’re your table, on Yom Kippur! Haven’t you ever read Deuteronomy or Leviticus?!

MASHA

(Uncertain now, voice cracking)

What’s wrong with shrimp?!

GARIK

IT’S NOT KOSHER!!!!

MASHA

I cleaned them and took out the black poopy string.

GARICK

Which part didn’t make sense: NOT or KOSHER?!

MASHA

Well how do you know this?

GARICK

Read a bible, it isn’t a state secret!

MASHA

Well it’s ok, God understands, we’re Russian.

GARIK

(still laughing near tears now)

Oh sure, God thought the same thing about Job, he’ll understand I’m just fucking with him. Hey, maybe he would’ve understood if the Angel didn’t make it in time to tell Abe not to kill Isaac. You know, he stopped for a little shrimp Satay in Bombay cause God wasn’t looking. What do you think about that one? You think Isaac would’ve understood that?

MASHA

You know we didn’t have synagogues in Russia.

GARIK

You have them here.

MASHA

Well we just have a different idea about it is all.

GARIK

Oh right… like pretending to be something you’re not is different how?

MASHA

When you were born…

GARIK

(cutting her off)

I know you assembled 7 men, found a moyle and had a chunk of my dick cut off and sent to God to make sure I’m a Jew. Well guess what, maybe he cut too much, were you paying attention?! What do you think he would’ve thought about shrimp scampi for Yom Kippur? It’s the high holidays and you’re making bloody scampi!

MASHA

(VITALIK enters from the right. MASHA looks at him for a moment and then at GARICK.)

Idi k’chortu!

VITALIK

What’s going on here?! Shto ta koyo?

GARIK

(Catching his breath, and occasionally laughing.)

Your wife, the Zionist…

VITALIK

your mother!

GARIK

My mother, the evangelical yid just made shrimp scampi for dinner after atoning for her sins and listening to the hazzan, the only decent moment of that whole mess. However, she completely slept through the part about only eating fish with scales and fins!

VITALIK

Nu e shto?!

GARIK

So what?! So what?! Just five minutes ago she was on her soap box about me being kicked out of Hebrew school as a kid and now she’s making scampi, don’t you see a certain inequity here?

VITALIK

Ach… what do you know?

GARIK

Doesn’t matter what I know, but Ha-Shem knows.

MASHA

Who is Ha-Shem?

GARIK

The name.

VITALIK

Whose name?

GARIK

For Christ’s sake, fucking Jehovah’s name!

MASHA

That’s not his name… it’s Yaweh.

GARIK

Look here woman, if you want to get us all killed go on, keep making scampi and calling for the almighty by name on the one day that only a priest of Solomon’s temple could say Ha-Shem’s true name. I know the kitchen is your temple and all, but let’s not tempt fate.

VITALIK

Enough of this nonsense! When did you become such an authority Mr. Rabi?

GARIK

I’m not, but I know enough to know I’m not.

MASHA

So what do we do now, they’ll be here any minute.

VITALIK

Do what?!

MASHA

For dinner!

VITALIK

Nothing! It’s done!

(Masha begins sobbing erratically)

Now look what you’ve done!

GARICK

Me?! How am I responsible for her being a terrible Jew!

VITALIK

There are no terrible Jews, only goys and Jews.When the Jews were starving in the desert I guarantee they weren’t asking each other if snake and rat were kosher, they ate! So we’ll eat.

GARICK

I’m sure the Rabi today would understand, besides, he looks like he eats plenty.

VITALIK

Yes, and a good man for it too, healthy and happy.

GARICK

Until his coronary.

VITALIK

Enough!

(Looks at MASHA)

Enough! Enough! Tears won’t solve this, besides what else can do we have?

MASHA

Nothing!

GARIK

Hey, let’s just order Chinese. Maybe we can have a nice sweet and sour pork roast.

MASHA & VITALIK

SHUTUP!

(The door bell rings)

end.